I was in a weird mood today. On the way to look at a print I felt super self-conscious. I felt like people were looking at me. I could feel the woman sat opposite me on the tube staring at me, so I looked up at her and caught her eye. I just gave a blank look back. Then I felt bad. I should have smiled or something. Maybe it’s because of my socks and trainers, but why stare at my face? A few other people look at me when I on the tube/walking around (or so I think). I check my face for toothpaste, though T saw me just before I went out and he would have said something.
Before getting off of the tube I looked at which exit to go to. To my left a woman has a large suitcase and she looks tricky to get around, so I go to my right. I get up just as the tube stops. I move my bag to one shoulder to move between two woman. I say sorry just before I do it and the woman to my left looks as I touch her bag slightly. I said sorry before I did it. I get close to the door and a woman gets on. She has a massive paper shopping bag. I expect her to move back off of the train but she doesn’t. So I’m trying to get around her whilst people on the train and platform look at us. It only goes on for a few seconds but I feel awkward. I say nothing. Maybe it’s because I have my earphones in and it makes me feel a little less like I have to say something, though it’s not my fault right? I worry that I am a bad person.
I get to a big crossroad. This is the third time in 2 weeks I have been here and I don’t like it. It’s one where the green man appears on all of the roads at the same time and you have to wait ages for it and then it’s gone fast. There are a few cars sat in traffic in front of me and I’m aware that the green man is going to appear soon and I’m not going to have much time to cross. Yep the green man appears and now the traffic is moving and all of the cars are going to push on and I’m not going to get to cross. I don’t look at the car I just look straight at the green man. The car keeps trying to move, is it going to stop? I’m going to keep going. I make a gesture at the green man and say ‘it’s a green man’. The person in the car probably has their window up so the only people who can hear me are probably people stand around me, but I’m not looking to see if anyone is there. I just keep my head up and keep walking. So I’m in a self-conscious mood but also standing up for myself – if you call it that. I don’t know.
Later on I am waiting on a bench for a friend to arrive and it’s windy. My skirt is blowing up. My legs are crossed and I tuck one side of my skirt in under one of my legs. I try to tuck the other side in but then the other side flies up. I’m feeling awkward. People are walking past me and there are flats in front of me so maybe they are laughing at me? It’s very windy today. I pass a lot of fallen branches. Things get in my eyes and when I rub them I hope that people don’t think that I am crying. In the café I use the bathroom. I look in the mirror and see that my hair is a complete mess as it wasn’t completely dry when I left home. Maybe this is why people have been looking at me, if they have…
From here I’ve got an event to go to and I need to eat something. I buy myself something small and I worry about where I am going to eat it. I go to the park and I spot a bench. I walk towards it and I see that a man is walking towards it to. I wonder if he is going to sit down. He stops close to it but looks up. I slow down to see what he is doing but luckily he is going elsewhere. The food is smelly and I feel awkward about people maybe watching me eat as I have chopsticks. I hold food in the chopsticks but wait until people walk past before I put the food in my mouth in case I drop it or something. I am happy at how smoothly my meal went. I spot a fallen branch on the way to the exhibition. I take a picture. I look for my road and go past it. I take another picture from the other side. I take another. People are walking past and I’m trying to look like I’m not taking pictures of it in case they look at me. Then I go to find the event.